All of my life, I have been “different.” Free spirited, adventurous, wild, crazy, fun, magical, and difficult too. My mom and grandmother always called me a Cigana, Portuguese for gypsy. And in several ways, for most of my life, that was true. I was always up for an adventure. I was never afraid to take a chance and move somewhere, try something, learn something, I just followed my heart. If i wanted to do something, I did it. With no fear. And that is how I lived for many years. I craved movement. I craved new experiences. I saw myself as powerful and capable of making my dreams come true.
There are thousands of lives within a single life.
I have stories!!!!!!!
But then, after a traumatic relationship, something shifted in me. The spark died. I lost that adventure. I lost the confidence. There was no more fortune-telling. The Gypsy vanished. Deep down, I felt melancholy most of the time, and confused about what to do. And I became fearful of taking chances. I had no idea how to make things better. I treaded water to stay afloat, and my constant inner dialogue went like this: ”What do I do? I don’t know! What do I do? I don’t know. ” That was the conversation I had with myself for a very long time. Yoga helped me recognize that it is okay to be depressed sometimes.. Yoga helped me accept things as they were. Nothing is permanent. Love of friends and family helped give me strength and hope. Time helped me process and heal. Slowly, I began to see glimpses of my old self. But it was definitely –one step forward and two steps back. Booo…..Ha!
As I mentioned in a previous post, this really is a year of drastic change. I feel it so strongly, there is no denying it. But what kind of change??? I thought of possibilities. Nothing seemed right. I was confused. A voice told me, “Tiff, listen to the wisdom inside of you”. And then I heard the message, it was very clear, “You need to go to the Azores!” Another thought quickly followed ”Yeah right! It is far, expensive, you don’t speak portuguese, and you are a single mom. Keep dreaming, it’s never gonna happen!!”
With that sense of change in the air for all of us, the Gypsy in me came back, strong and determined. And I am happy to say, my son and I are going! For three months! YEAH!!!!!!!!!! This a dream come true! We bought the tickets. Seriously. I have 5 dollars left.. But I don’t care!!! I know everything will work out. I know this is something I am supposed to do. I know I am going to learn, grow, and heal. I am ready. I am excited. I need to save some money. I NEED TO LEARN PORTUGUESE! ………………..GULP!
Most of my friends have asked… “Where are the Azores?” Or my favorite question was ”Why do you want to go to the Ozarks?” HA! Well, The Azores are 9 little islands in the Atlantic ocean, far away from the freeways and gunshots we have here in South Florida. My Mom grew up in the Azores which makes the connection strong. My Dad, is an American who was stationed there, they met, fell in love, moved to The United States, and had kids. I have never been. But, I have dreamed of it several times.. There is one house in particular I have dreamed of a number of times. I think it is real…. But we will see. I recently dreamed of my Portuguese grandmother, I know her spirit will help guide me. :)
There is family,beauty, history, and witchcraft in the Azores. There is wine and Fado music. I am excited beyond words.
Anyways, there are still a couple months to prepare for the trip. I am studying portuguese, and taking care of things with the house, the dog and the chicken. Don’t worry, Rui and Sadie will be left in good hands! Thanks to Eryn, The Animal Witch!
I will blog about my adventure, it has already begun.
2012, Bring it on!